CHAPTER
EIGHT
S
T
IN
G
Hampton was skulking around the empty studio and James ditto the Control Room, whilst Larksong kept guard at the door just in case anyone finished lunch early and decided to head back.
"Look" Hamster said through the connecting window, "all I'm saying is if something's actually going on inside the programme itself it's got to be happening from in there, the control room .. clue's in the name!"
Gray mouthed a reply but there was no sound. He switched the control room mic on and then there was.
"Yes, but what am I actually looking for?"
"Well obviously a sealed brown envelope with "Conspiracy Plan Details" on it in really, really big flashing red letters ... I don't know, do I!?" snapped back Hamster, "just keep looking! Something must seem a bit out of place somewhere, maybe that'll be it!"
Still not believing a word of it, Larksong offered "Well if there actually was any common-sense in any of this, I could wonder why Sting had to come a second time to drop another video-pak off? We got the Fast Lap item sorted yesterday, he only had a couple of cutaways and fills to take care of but he did that earlier .. when we were outside, remember? So why the extra one later?"
The microphone said "The dinosaur actually thinks!", and Larksong called the microphone a great wazzack.
"Sorry" said Gray, "the Yorkshire dinosaur actually thinks!"
"Well you don't seem to be getting very far on your own!"
But Hampton had sparked on Jezza's comment about Sting.
"Yessss! He did!! I remember that!!!" And with some excitement that they might be on to something he thought as hard as he could, which didn't last long but long enough for, "Maybe he umm .. er .. Hey! Maybe he switched one of the plugins in the main rack for some reason?"
There was some clumping and bumping and rattling from the Control Room that you didn't need a microphone to hear, and some major shushing from Hammond although Larksong just wsn't bothered anyway and continued to lean against the frame of the inched-open door with his arms folded and legs crossed.
And then Gray said "Think I've found it!"
"So hit 'Play'" Hamster whispered excitedly loudly pointlessly, "let's see what's on it!"
There was a click, the studio monitors hummed and then an other-worldly voice emerged, Sting's simulcast to the entire Planet!
"Attention people of planet Earth. I am Supreme Commander of a vastly superior Alien invasion force and you are now being colonised. Resistance is futile and will be met with immediate termination.
You will receive further instructions shortly through your media and from our Emissaries. In the meantime feel free to go about your business as if nothing was happening because .." and he chuckled, ".. there's nowhere you could go nor anything you could do that would make any difference anyway!"
And as an aftethought, "Oh, and if anybody thinks this might all be just a joke, Sorry, The Invasion's Genuine!" and the chuckle returned and grew in to a laugh.
The announcement clicked off, and Hampton stood there open-mouthed and Larksong just stayed where he was, incredulous that they had both fallen for it.
"You don't actually think that's for real?!"
"You called me a Wazzack!" said the microphone.
"But .. but .. but who would play a joke like that like this?!" Hammond replied.
"He called me a Wazzack!" Gray spoke directly at Hammond through the window.
"Well, from what we overheard from the Control Room before lunch" said Larksong, "maybe .. him?" and he nodded toward the loading bay door and the general direction of Outside Broadcast1 truck in the car park beyond.
Hamster hesitated to take this in, then "So where is he now?"
"Probably in the O.B. truck as usual I guess" Jezza replied.
"In where?"
Larksong thumb-jerked over his shoulder "OB1 .."
Hampton and Gray suddenly stopped bolt still looking at each other like Meerkats looking at each other.
"... Obi Wan?" they said in harmony
".. as in .." continues Hamster,
"..Kenobi?!!" together again.
"Oh shit" opined Hammond extremely adroitly, "he's a real Alien and we are all doomed!"
Grey however reacted in quite the oposite way, stoic and collected .. and strangely inspiring which was a total first, saying
"Okay well that's decided that then! Whatever the cost, we just can't let it happen now we know!!"
And he continued, "We've GOT to do something, fix this! We are all that's left to save the world! Never actually thought I'd ever get to say that. Mummy would be proud."
But meanwhile Hammond had not moved at all and could only repeat, with even greater realisation "Oh shit, he is a real Alien and we are all doomed!"
"Yes, very probably" Gray replied. "But right now he doesn't know we know. We have surprise on our side."
"What? So we just leap out at him and go 'Boo!'?" Oh yes I can really see that working against lasers and planet-munchers and shape shifting robot dragon people and ...
But Larksong interrupted him, now seeing the reality that they alone were capable of seeing.
"No .. no, Captain Wazzack's absolutely right .." which drew a two-fingered salute from the aforementioned gentleman.
"Seriously.." he continued, "James has summed up the only way to go. We have got to stop this or the ride ends! We can try, right?"
"So look we've now got nothing to lose, except everything, so let's get through the rest of the programme, use it to follow-up anything, look for .. some way .. I don't suppose either of you have got any Kryptonite at home?"
And then suddenly "Someone's coming, look normal! Well, you Hampton, you just do the best you can .."
A few of the Tech crew entered and they found Hampton and Larksong apparently muttering over something on the running order as Gray was coming across to them.
One Tech went over to a camera rig and started getting it ready, and the other headed toward the control room and crossed with Gray who pointed to Larksong saying "He called me a Wazzock .. him, the biggest Wazzock on the planet! Well, for the time being anyway ..." which drew a 'zip-it' look from Hamster.
"I mean .." he carried on to the poor guy who really wanted him to just let it go, "have you ever seen him trying to do something practical?! Anything he tries has all the finesse of stampeding lemmings and produces generally the same result! ... And he calls me a Wazzock!!
"WAZZOCK!"
With everyone back and ready and with the studio up to speed, the Control Room announced "Thank you studio. Back. If everyone's ready? OK, and on to the next Motoring News in 5, 4, 3 .."
The red light went first and Larksong went second.
"It isn't all that often that we address the serious side of the motoring industry. But when it's entire future is uncertain we feel we must."
"Once there were many car makers," he continued, ".. now there are far fewer. National economies built around car manufacturing have suffered, whole areas of commerce have disappeared".
Hampton joined him at his side, "Yes, and the Industry is recognising that more than ever now, progress means change .. big change."
Gray came to his other side, "As a result the global Motoring Industry commissioned a survey looking at what can be learned from past car manufacturers in order to adapt and retain as many as is possible today. So we decided to do our bit as well."
Hampton picked it up again, "Yes, we did. We sat down and discussed all the manufacturers in great detail to produce our own report and recommendations from our extensive knowledge."
"Over lunch in the Pub ..." Gray clarified.
"... Where our best work is always done" Hamster justified, adding, ".. and we are immensely proud of the result."
"CARNATION"
"So then. In summary" said Larksongs with an earnest expression and clasped-together hands, "hopefully the global motoring industry will take some notice of its commissioned report."
"But more importantly, we hope they will take proper notice of our own far-better researched and more-thoroughly considered deeper report with all of its guidelines and recommendations, which it is clear to us presents the only serious way forward if they all actually want to be in business still next year ...