CHAPTER
Twelve
S
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So, resigned to their fate Gray and Hampton thought that they might as well at least finish their last-ever programme off properly, and took their positions for the final - more final than anybody else knew - segment.
Control Room came out with what it didn't know was to be its last countdown.
"Okay studio, ready ... and in 5, 4, 3 .." and the red light went on.
"Moving along" said James, who had never done 'Star In...' before, "and now we have a very special Star In A Reasonably Priced Car .."
"You know what I've always wondered?" interrupted Hamster
"What?"
"Why would they?"
"Who?" said Grey, irritated now.
"A Star" said Hampton, ".. drive a reasonably priced car? I mean, they aren't short of a bob or two are they?
So why would they even want to drive a reasonably priced car when there's probably an exotic or two at home permanently burbling away ready and rattling the windows just on tickover?
.. so, why would a star drive a rees'nably priced car?"
"What," James asked, ".. why would a star drive a rees'nably priced car?
"No, why would a star drive a rees'nably priced car?"
"Oh! Why would a star drive a rees'nably priced car!"
Suddenly heavy rock drums picked up their spoken beat. Gray and Hampton looked around bewildered for the source as a carpet of stage-fog came drifting in and coloured lights began pulsing on the rig somehow.
The Techs had become a Rock Band which now came forward on an elevated podium through the smoke and the lights, riffing holding chords as J3551CA emerged from the blood red light now screaming out from inside the control room, dressed in all-black with studs, belts, buckles and more and with her white hair now massive, all Rock-Godess gestures and posing!
And Hampton and Gray were completely and absolutely jaw-dropped!
"But she's .. ?" stam-m-m-mered Gray.
"No, she's .. !" explained Hampton.
"Ah!", and Grey understood completely.
"Oh please, Take me now!" muttered Hamster to himself. He thought.
But then, "I've wanted to from the first moment I noticed you .." J3551CA melted him even more with just words, ".. it was that shy boyish smile .." and he blushed."
".. it was simply unmissable, so bright! They really did a good job on them for you didn't they?!"
Hamster suddenly realised! "I . have . not . had . my . teeth . whitened!"
During this exchange the real Sting had entered holding the note left by Gray in his truck earlier. He registered Larksong-sting but simply calculated that there was no threat there so he ddn't need to waste any further attention on him, so just stood waiting, looking at the Band and toping-up his energy cell from the riffing and the pulsating lights.
J3551CA saw him arrive. "You did it! Great job!"
"Oh, it was nothing" Hamster started to say, "we just knew there was no failure option so ..."
But her look told him she didn't need all of that, and more than that her words got kinda scary anyway as she said "Okay just follow my lead when the song finishes, but be careful, very careful, he's dangerous!
And she shouted back to the Band "Okay you Mothers let's melt some stuff! One, Two, One Two Three Four!!
"WHY WOULD A STAR DRIVE A REES'NABLY PRICED CAR"
As the song had built to it's revealing final verse and a sweat-laden big kick ending, J3551CA had been making her way over to where Sting has been standing, eventually singing directly to him and involving him personaly in the last section, bigging him up, highlighting him exclusively as the hero in her song, an ultimate champion, feted by all.
And then the song ended and she climbed in his face to confront him, much to his surprise because he believed himself to be beyond anybody's reach.
"But that hero's not you is it superstar?" she challenged!
Hampton and Gray either side of her each whipped off their half of her black outfit with a 'Taa-Daa!' to reveal a very white, tight, and bright uniform beneath with gold military insignia and trim denoting the hightest of all ranks back on the Sting Homeworld.
Sting was very startled, instantly recognising her high status and quickly deciding there was no way he would allow himself to be captured and returned home after such serious and prolonged crimes.
But J3551CA had other ideas.
"You are going to pay for your crimes against the Universe!
"And Earth!" said Gray
"Yeah! And ... That!" said finger-waggy Hampton because he couldn't thibk of anything else.
J3551CA pressed her wrist controller again and this time everything went in to slow motion.
She leapt from the podium right on to Sting and slo-mo tussled with him trying to restrain him. But he was a hard fight and she had her work cut out if she was to subdue him, which these earthlings could never hope to achieve but she kept that to herself so they wouldn't feel weak and powerless and .. weak.
Hampton jumped in on him too, but was easily thrown back on the floor. Sting shoved J3551CA off him as well, drew his laser fragmenter weapon, and went to fire at her to disburse her atoms and spread them across many Universes.
But Larksong joined in too after realising what all the commotion going on behind him really was, and jumped in front of her hoping that the genuine Acme alien space suit would be able to protect him from one of their own weapons though he wasn't really able to be sure of any such thing.
And he took the direct hit, and in fact the weapon was simply far beyond the ability of anything to repel, and so he fell back mortally wounded.
J3551CA leaped on Sting in the distraction and disarmed and captured him, and Hampton and Gray went to Larksong but it was too late, he was gone. Yes, but this time he was.
Hampton, entirely overcome with red mist, flew in to a blind rage and went for Sting's laser weapon on the floor meaning to scatter his billion sub-atomic particles as widely across all of space and time as it was possible to do.
But just before J3551CA returned time's passing to its normal rate, James snatched it off him remarkably easily, saying "You know you'll only blow your little foot off. Or mine! Besides, I know about weaponry and the safety must have been knocked on again when it fell, look .. " and he showed Hampton but it still went off and zapped the floor!
Meanwhile J3551CA bundled Sting backward against the studio door.
"What are you going to do with him?" Hamster asked.
"Oh don't you worry" she replied, "he'll get everything that's coming to him and more! I'm going to beam him back to the Home Planet where there's a very special welcome waiting! We have some punishments that are far, far worse than death! And death!!
She turned to look sadly at Larksong lying dead.
"Your friend was very brave, a true hero. He will be honoured with a statue in our Halls of Justice".
She raised her wrist-controller and aimed it at Sting ready to transport him out.
"Permission to say .." said Gray, staring Sting hard in the helmet, ".. Cock!"
J3551CA pressed buttons and Sting beamed out, culminating in a brief blinding white light.
And when the dazzle cleared Sting was gone ... just his empty helmet was left, wobbling on the floor until still again.
J3551CA bent down and picked the helmet up and moved across to where Larksong lay still. She switched it with the one on his lifeless body. Strange sounds seemed to be coming from inside it, and there were pulsing lights coming from underneath it.
And then Larksong's arm twitched a little, then more ... and then there was larger movement, and then he raised in to a sitting position, then got to his feet ... he stood rather mechanically, adopted the Sting-pose complete with cloakswirl though he had to manage it without the cloak for now but he was nevertheless rather impressive for a first-timer.
Hampton and Gray were scared and amazed in equal proportions. No, 95/5!
Larksong remained static in that pose for a long few minutes, then with slow deliberate moves raised the visor on his helmet. They all had very mixed reactions in their anticipation.
And then he spoke, and with some relief it was his same abrasive, loud, selfish person in there, and he immediately underlined that by saying very smugly
"Oh come on, it was inevitable of course."
"... and now I'm Sting!"
James and Hamster winced.
"But more than that" Larksong added, "I'm the best Sting .. In The World! "
"And on that bombshell, goodnight!"
* * *
"Y'know .." muttered Hampton to James some time later when all of this had become little more than a satisfying but distant memory, ".. it just isn't working out is it? We're going to have to kill him ourselves ..."