The Control Room counted down to the next Motoring News item, so James quickly said to continue their words later.

 

"And in 5, 4, 3 ..."

 

The red light went on again and Larksongs was already there and waiting as the other two took their seats.

 

"So to some more of this week's news ..." and he picked up a press release and tapped at it.

 

"Have you seen this? Another car maker is going over to electronic parking brakes, just a button on the console!"

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"Doesn't console me at all .." James interjected with ill-concealed concern and contempt, continuing..

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"It is yet another sad nail in the coffin of the proper car-and-driver-in-harmony-as-one sublime driving experience. Plus no less importantly, by removing that crucial man-to-machine direct physical connection they're bringing an end to an important male rite of passage, the handbrake turn!"

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Jezza explained to the camera that modern cars are increasingly being fitted with electronic parking buttons rather than a brake lever.

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"You might think "So what?'" he said, "but there's actually a very real problem with this because you just can't do a handbrake turn with an electronic button" and he stabbed at an imaginary button with a real finger.

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"And that is bad news .." joined-in Hampton, "because handbrake turns are an essential part of teen male development. That's because, as we all know, the handbrake lever is connected directly to a girl's sexual appetite! It is, I'm telling you it is!"

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"He's right .." Larksong told the viewers, It's in their nature you see, like in the animal kingdom. Nothing they can do about it! Just  like a Peacock has his tail-feathers to impress the female, a young man has his handbrake and just has to show it off and  ...  well, you know ... thing ...

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"Exactly!" from Hamster, lost in such erudition.

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Larksong carried on .. "You see, with a button the brake system still does its job, but without the feel and that physical bond through levers and cable and shackle bolts and pivots and more there's a total disconnect from a vital part of teenage male development!

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"And that's just not good", again from Hampton.

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Gray chimed in, sharing extremely stupidly  .. "I  remember my first attempt at seduction with the handbrake. I was seventeen and going to pick up this girl called Liz after her Saturday job at the supermarket. Had it all planned. I'd go in hot, get on the handbrake and slew it round like in the Italian Job and make a great impression coming to a slidey stop right in front of her in the car park. The rest was just a formality, obviously."

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"And?"

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"So I went in hot .." he continued, "well, more a bit warm actually because of the speed bumps. And right at the perfect moment I yanked the brake lever .. and the cable snapped! No slide, no squeal .. except from the woman who thought I was going to send her trolley flying ..."

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"And no swoon from Liz, who should have been doting on me forever afterward as a result."

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Hamster and Jezza both thought about being sympathetic because this whole brake-button thing was a serious matter, but both instantly reckoned it would be much more entertaining to mercilessly mock James's juvenile inadequacies the moment they could actually manage to stop laughing at them.

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But James just ignored what was only normal anyway. "I think the cable must have twanged because I'd spent the previous day practising and all the yanking had frayed it." And he mimed turning wheel and yanking the brake)

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"Only you would practise a date handbrake turn!" scoffed Hampton

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"Ah .." rebuffed James, ".. but you have to in order to be sure of avoiding the serious embarrassment of failing and just lurching to a rubbish bouncy stop seven feet away pointing in the wrong direction after sandblasting her ankles a bit with some loose gravel! ... or even worse, finding the only decent puddle within a hundred yards and turning her brand new curly perm instantly dead straight!"

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"As opposed to the other serious embarrassment of roaring in and swinging the wheel over at the last minute but sailing on past and modifying your front wing on a tree instead?" mused Hampton with a degree of sarcasm that was as obvious as a neon arrow flashing alternately pink and green and with the word "LOSER" in it in yellow, pointing at James' head as though he was wearing it like a hat.

 

"Yes .." James responded, but rather absently from a place just a little distance away in his memory, ".. and all in front of my three best ..." and he hurriedly corrected himself, "in front of your best mates that you primed to be there to see your amazing pick-up skills ... Cock!"

 

Larksongs almost didn't join-in because of the enjoyment he was getting from his friend's (?) embarassment, but decided his own experience should not be left out of the campaign for the establishment of handbrake-turn recognition that they seemed to be embarked upon in the face of the insidious button-threat!

 

"Yes, it really matters!" he said. "I remember taking a girl called Cathy home one night in my Mums Audi. Turned out she lived up a track and screened off from some farmer's field by this ornamental hedge .. nice place."

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"Middle name Ermintrude?" asked Hampton, miming horns with his forefingers .. " and maybe wear a single flappy plastic earring and a nice big bell?

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Larksong ignored him, and also James's guffaw, his nodding and his unnecessarily enthusiastic finger-point his way.

 

"So anyway, I was going down the track and I thought 'I know what’ll tip her instantly in the right direction ...'"

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"... and pirouetted straight through her Dad’s championship hedge!"

 

"Oh, fantastic!" said Hampton with genuine admiration, "was she impressed?

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"Completely!" replied Jezza,  "I know 'cos she pulled a face that was exactly like this ..." and he made that silly-twat headshaking face.

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"Yes, yes!" said Hamster bouncing up and down excitedly in his seat, "yes that's the face they pull in that part of the ritual! I know 'cos I'd once borrowed my Dad’s car, diesel Astra Estate, and I was giving Katie from college a lift home."

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"She lived the other end of the village and I’d already warmed her up with a decent bit of long-way-round rallycross up the Lanes. Oh there was some increasing sexual tension in that car, yes indeedy!"

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"So I thought I’d seal the deal with a handbrake turn, and yanked it on."

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"So?" Larksong interrogated when he couldn't ignore Hampton's designed-in arm-twisting overdone pause.

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"Chucked it round .." Hampton resumed, "hit the verge and expertly popped the tyre off the rim and she pulled that exact face!"

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"Ah yes .." said Larksong deeply sagely, "sometimes girls say 'What did you do that for?' when what they are actually saying is 'I'm ready'"

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With obvious disappointment grey jumped back in.

 

"Well I never actually got that face from Liz. Although to be honest she didn't even know I'd tried to do a handbrake turn, I just got that twang as the cable snapped .. which incidentally was also the only twang I did get, actually. So she just thought I'd parked badly, the wrong way round, and was an arse."

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The complete agreement with that last part of that statement was so all-pervading that it didn't need to be expressed.

 

"But anyway .." said Larksong, "back to car makers .."

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".. and I think I know why they are doing it, moving to buttons. It's a response to social pressure to cut down on unwanted teenage pregnancy!"

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Unwinding an initially puzzled expression Hamster suddenly saw some version of Hamster-logic.

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"It could work! It's actually quite a clever thought .."

 

"Yes very probably .." countered Larksong, "but disturbingly it is affecting the very future of Mankind which is not clever at all! Think about it. I mean, if a boy can't use a handbrake to pull a girl, what's he gonna do?!

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There was a pause, then Hampton saw the light and his instantly-ashen face came forth with "He'll actually have to talk to one! Nooooo! Carmakers, please stop it!

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"Yes stop" stabbed Larksong down the camera lens, ".. stop meddling with forces more powerful than you!"

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"And there's another side to it too .." added James. "Part of having a cool car is driving it cool! And there's nothing cooler at 17 than drifting it up to your girl with your 8-track playing, propping her door open from the inside and posing supercool as she gets in!"

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"And you .." began Larksong

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"With your hip 8-track .." mocked Hamster

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".. know this how?" Larksong finished.

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"Well, actually from when Dad told me about girls when I got my license.

 

"You didn't get the birds-and-bees until late-teens?!" laughed Hamster almost uncontrollably.

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"I'm not talking about the birds and bees thing, I'm talking about 'The Song'!" Gray condescended back at him

 

"The Song?" The other two both asked together.

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"You know, 'The Song'!" he replied, "You must have had it too?

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"What song?! they said, taking one word each.

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"You mean, you never had The Song? Though I can see now that it would explalin many things! But really?

About when you first start driving on your dates? You know .."

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